The 5 Subconscious Ways I Sabotage My Love Life

...or at least, in my own perception! In all likelihood there's probably some "right place right person right time" business going on as well, but whatevs.

5. Not taking care of myself physically: when I don't take care of myself, I'm low energy, not my energetic self, sleepy and a bit complainy. MOSTLY, this is about sleep schedule. I always want to stay up late and sleep in, but I have a horrible habit of staying up so late that even sleeping in doesn't give me enough sleep. And/or, even enough sleep isn't restful at the wrong time.

4. Not taking care of myself hygienically: to clarify, I don't think I'm gross! But instead of being in the habit of getting ready for the day each morning, I push snooze forever and thus put off showering and face washing, etc for that morning, then get busy all day, then whoops! It's time for institute/fhe/friend time and I'm wearing a dandruffy ponytail!

3. Not taking care of my appearance: all of the above lead directly into make-up and hair, which lead directly into feeling excited about what to wear/how to dress instead of just picking out whatever's easiest (and has probably been worn 4 times in the last week). Being clean and made up and cute always makes me feel happy and - you guessed it - more like myself! And it's how I picture myself living my life in the future (when I'm feeling positive).

2. Fearfulness: I can get SO tied up in silly fears! I'm either worried that someone I'm not interested in thinks I am and I'm afraid to cut loose and just be a proper friend, or I'm worried that I'm being an obnoxious clinger to someone I AM interested. In both cases, the fear either causes itself to come true or results in me going into "detach and distance" mode. Silly me!

1. Being weird about my interests: I love a lot of things (usually historical, cultural, science fiction and fantasy things) and can get a bit obsessive, but besides the surface level, I don't relate on a deep level to other geeks who are really obsessive about their various geekdoms. The super-invested geek is generally not what I'm looking for in a guy. On the other hand, I LOVE random trivia and details and am chock full of them, and once I get started, man, I can just SPOUT off forever on a given subject! And I get very passionate about these things, and relate them to all sorts of deep stuff and wax philosophical about it. Example: I love Legend of Zelda. I've done drawings of the characters, know pretty much every game and how they relate, could probably write a thesis on the lore/timelines/consistencies/inconsistencies and the psychology behind it and how they reflect the qualities real folklore, etc. When I run into another Zelda nerd, it can be REALLY fun to talk about! But I'm so turned off by a guy who sits and plays video games all the time...see? My interests are quirky, and if someone else knows as much about them as I do, they're probably waaay too into it for me. On the other hand...I never know quite what to say to so-called "normal" guys who have a GOOD balance about entertainment vs other worthy pursuits, so I end up pigeon-holing myself as an extreme nerd/geek! And I do this to myself, I really do.

And it's all a cycle...getting into a research/"geek out" zone is usually what leads to improper sleep, which takes us right through the list again.

Ta da! Self-sabotage for the win!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

By the way, I had a GREAT one. I made spinach-stuffed chicken breasts wrapped in bacon and served them to the sister missionaries and some friends for a Valentine's dinner, after which I saw P.S. I Love You for the first time with some other friends, after which I stayed up late talking to a very dear friend I don't get to see often enough. A day full of love! It was perfect.

Hope your Valentine's Day was grand! What did you do/opt not to do?

Oh No!

I missed January! Without planning, I've written at least one thing EVERY month since I started! I was hoping I'd keep up with that...but now it's February. Goodbye, January 2012. So little time we knew ye.

Meanwhile...I'm going to turn in my graduation application on Monday! Ee!

In other news, some stuff is lame :/ For serious. So far this semester, I have to nap or lie down for a couple hours after my classes to make these weird dizzy waves go away. I really really really really need to set up an appointment with the fibromyalgia doctor...like I've been meaning to for years...I'm so awful that way! Making appointments, following my planned homework schedule, going to sleep on time and returning borrowed items. I'm bad at all of those things. Be warned! (though I've done really well returning borrowed items so far in 2012 :D I think...I might still have a VCR I borrowed forever ago that I need to return or replace....ugh I'm so bad!)

Feeling overall cheerful at the moment :) though perhaps with a more steady presence of relative "winter doldrums" than I like to let on.

Next time: the 5 ways I subconsciously sabotage my love life. (number subject to change.) ;)

Love you all!
Lauren

P.S. Oh no! The longest paragraph of all was the complaining one!

...Meh, I forgive myself. :)

How I Cope: NOVELS

My roommate Kim (kimknowsbest.blogspot.com) and I were talking last night about the crazy things we do as finals week approaches. She has been going into an organizational and cleaning frenzy - the bathroom is SPOTless! And the rest of the apartment is in a constant state of fluctuation, but somehow it just FITS for finals week. Me, I've been DEVOURING novels and playing Legend of Zelda. Twilight Princess, for those interested...being third in line after Jared and Lindsay, and not having a tolerance for endless hours of gaming, I never actually finished it even though it came out 5 years ago. I hope to rectify THAT soon...before I play / watch Lindsay play the new Zelda game!!!

But more important is the novel part. I've been tearing through them! Evelina by Fanny Burney (I chose that because it was one of Jane Austen's favorite novels), Wives and Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell (why, oh why did she have to die before completing the final chapter!), Jo's Boy's by Louisa May Alcott (the only one of the Little Women books I never finished reading in childhood and now have...poor Dan!), Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, Anne of the Island, and now Anne of Windy Poplars (soon to be followed by Anne's House of Dreams, Anne of Ingleside, Rainbow Valley and Rilla of Ingleside, then Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter and A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett). All within the past two weeks (excepting, obviously, the ones I haven't read yet). Anybody sense a thematic link in all these books?

At first, all this reading was definitely a method of escapism. Now generally, I am not a fan of novels/video games as a means of escaping life. There's a difference, for me, between using fiction to escape and using fiction as a medium through which to broaden your mind/emotions/imagination and gain insight. The former, though enjoyable, is a little more hollow and deadened, like a collapsed drum (the stretched kind, not the metal kind). The latter is open and freeing. Believe it or not, in moderation, playing Zelda often acts as the latter for me...it inspires me to write and puts me in a relaxed and serene place. As Anne (of Green Gables, etc) would say, I find a great deal of "scope for the imagination" in it.

But anyway, somewhere between Jo's Boys and Anne of Green Gables I switched from escapism mode to interactive mode. Louisa May Alcott (with the exception of A Long Fatal Love Chase, lol) and L. M. Montgomery each have a beautiful way of depicting and inspiring imaginative characters, and tucking into their stories the homely little truths that may contradict over-romantic illusions, but they sit inside your soul ever so much more nicely.

And I remembered...I LOVE Anne! UNlike Little Women, I haven't reread the Anne books since childhood. Anne Shirley is super-imaginative, loves to write, gets carried off in flights of fancy, loves to talk, has extreme emotional highs and lows, goes off on wild tangents...sound like anyone we know?

(pssst....it's me! And I'm sure many of you as well :D)

So basically, reading Anne helped me validate my feelings about myself, and understand what dear friends of mine have told me: "we don't love you DESPITE your flaws, we love you BECAUSE of them!" It's so true!

That is all. :) Merry Christmas, all!
Lauren

BOO!

...aww. Too late.


Happy November :)

A poem

Put this together a couple months ago and wanted to share. :)

Untitled...like so many of my poems, haha! Let's call it No. 7. I think I'll share 1-6 too, but not all at once. Each is to be considered on its own. And now, no further delay...!

No. 7

The simple shape so often used to represent a heart
Can never really be enough for me.
Just a curve around the clock
Continued with a slant, a slide from right to left
That pivots, slants and curves again, to end where it began.
In cookies, cards, letters and art, ev'ry valentine,
In fresh leaves full and dead leaves fallen, in swans' necks or two tears,
Or even in my hands, held to meet at thumbs' and fingers' tips.
The heart is omnipresent, really.
I think it's sweet, the plain conjunction of these lines and curves.
But the heart that pumps my blood with valves and veins is tired.
Too tired to see the endless possibilities contained and permutated
In the shape where something sharp as "V" can, with steady arms,
Lift yet cradle, support and adore a small, soft and resting three.

My Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit of a rough night for me. =( It started in the evening with building restlessness and hyper-active-ness during the mid-week mingle, institute and choir - which is not to say that every time I'm over-energetic I'm having issues, of course! But I can feel a difference. In normal situations I'm having fun, mostly, just being silly. And then last night (and the other times I've had stuff like this happen) it was like I couldn't control myself, like the regulatory part of my brain is sitting in the back of my head going "whoa, whoa, slow down!" but can't do anything about it. In hindsight I call this "phase 1." I think I even mentioned that I couldn't breathe right, but then dismissed it as normal and unimportant. But I guess it was related!

So, not long after that, toward the end of choir, I became tired, tearful and overwhelmed. (Phase 2.) After the closing prayer I ran off to try to calm myself down. Then began "phase 3," where I'm dizzy, light-headed, fatigued, and can't move or talk normally. It's like I've just "checked out" or something, you know? Trying to walk was slow and halted. My words only came out after a delay, slow and stuttered. I just couldn't make myself respond to anything in normal time.

Thankfully, my friend Jaimie and Institute/choir director Bro Ritchie were there to help. :) it was very comforting to have a friend nearby, and to hear encouraging words from Bro Ritchie, telling me how much I've improved in the last year and a half and how I was doing a good job trying to talk through it instead of withdrawing to silence. It's easy to feel like having "an episode" at all is a massive failure on my part, but it's really all part of the healing process, isn't it? And though I could feel the potential for it, I didn't go beyond into "phase 4"! (for those of you have seen it, 4 is when it looks like I'm having a seizure or something, but I'm not really, it's just the worst part of the "attack.")

Jaimie drove me home and called Jay from church to give me a priesthood blessing, cause she didn't want to leave me alone in my funky state. My roommate Kim arrived home as well, and gradually I started feeling better, especially at about 5 min after the blessing. Then, time for a good night's sleep, at a decent hour! But not before Kim gave me the BEST advice EVER: spray myself with perfume EVERY DAY so I feel good ;) It's true, the little things count!

So, I always have this internal debate with myself, whether or not to share when things like this happen, with whom and how in-depth. Generally, I share with at least a few people, sometimes many more than I feel strictly "comfortable" exposing my inner life to. But I always feel like it's right. These are the small reasons:
   - Having the people around me understand helps me freak out less the next time something might happen.
   - A part of me does find it therapeutic to share instead of isolate.
   - In this case specifically, writing it out is a comfort.

But this is the big reason: whether to this extent, or less, or MORE, other people have these feelings and go through something like this. It may not go through the same phases I did last night, and you may not necessarily end up in that weird funky state, but the common thread, I find, is a desperate feeling of isolation, of being overwhelmed and inadequate. It doesn't have to get to a point of diagnosed anxiety to hurt and hinder you. The BIG reason I share my story as often as appropriately possible because I want you to know. <i>You are not alone.</i> And it gets better. Your Father in Heaven is always there, full of love and understanding and aid.

That's all :) I plan to have a lovely day today; I hope you do as well!

Lauren

I Wanna Talk Something Serious.

So, I'm going to talk about abortion. Well, more than that - I'm going to talk about how people talk about abortion, THEN I'm going to talk about abortion. You can stop now if you so choose.

My friend posted this on facebook: ("anti-choice" is used to mean "pro-life") http://mypage.direct.ca/w/writer/anti-tales.html

I have no doubt that it's completely true. I think there are many, many people who are doing all they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair, who are mistreated and demonized by people who are also doing what they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair. Yes, they are performing abortions and seeking to defend and/or expand its legality. Yes, their language is used to paint everything they do in a positive light, seeking rights for all, even if you believe that what they're doing is violent and wrong. It's easy for pro-lifers to categorize them as murderers, baby killers, and enemies to the institution of the family, blatantly sacrificing morals for convenience. Whether it's true or not, it's easy to put pro-choice people in that mental "box." But just hold on, and remember they're people.

On the other hand, you get things like this: (may be disturbing to sensitive readers) http://www.familywatchinternational.org/fwi/policy_brief_abortion.pdf

And this: http://www.familywatchinternational.org/fwi/documents/fwipolicybriefMaternal_Mortality_and_Abortion.pdf

Though individual stories aren't related as much in these articles, these also come from real people striving to do what is right, humane and fair, who are mistreated and demonized by people who are also doing what they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair. Yes, they picket outside abortion clinics and do all they can to annoy and frustrate, and are trying to interfere with a woman's individual choice. Yes, their language is overbearing, even rude, sensational and angry. It's easy for pro-choicers to characterize them as a herd of sheep blindly following their leader, aka their religion and/or ideology, ignoring evidence to the contrary. It's easy to perceive them as cruel to anyone who operates outside their belief system. Whether it's true or not, it's easy to see only the stereotype. But hold on for a second, and remember they're people, too.

Hopefully I haven't alienated the lot of you! I INTEND for these descriptions to have a controlled measure of harshness, because whether personally about individuals or in theory about groups, we think of each other in these ways, no matter which side of the fence we sit on. For the moment, I'm keeping my own opinion to myself because I'd like to emphasize the separation of people and ideas.

If an idea is WRONG, it does not make the believers of that idea BAD. If an idea is RIGHT, it does not make the believers of that idea GOOD.

I think all of us, somewhere inside, believe that the side that is right will be supported by the will of God or the creator or the universe, and that the side that is wrong will be lured into false thinking and negative behavior. This, I believe to be true. But it's not a solid division between ideologies. Pro-life supporters, it's entirely possible for you or your fellow pro-life supporters to harass, wrong, and even commit violence against pro-choice supporters. Pro-choice supporters, it's entirely possible for your fellow pro-choice supporters to do the same.

In MOST cases - not all, but MOST - whether or not an idea is actually right, the people acting on it believe it is right.

Now, that fact doesn't change what IS right and what IS true...which is why I firmly believe in speaking your mind in appropriate situations, doing all you can to support what's right and good in this world. But pretending that everyone on "the other side" is deluded or evil isn't a good argument against their ideology. Pick a topic, any hot topic, and see people debate about it, and dollars-to-donuts it will turn into heated characterizations of each other instead of discussion of the issue. Not always, of course, especially among you - I have amazing friends. :)But while disparaging the originator of an idea may hold emotional bearing on the validity of their claims, it has no actual bearing.

That being said. I don't think any of you would be surprised to know that I am against abortion. I'll admit that I have a vain motivation mixed in with whatever pure ones I have in writing this entry - I cannot STAND the thought of people I know and love believing me to be "deluded," "blindly following my religion/ideology despite all evidence to the contrary," or "cruel/unfeeling to anyone who operates outside my belief system." I work HARD to understand evidence and viewpoints that contradict my default beliefs, to not be a blind follower or an insensitive judge. I know I'm not entitled to special treatment or consideration more than anyone else is, we're all judged every day, etc etc. So it's really not that important. Anyway, I believe my loved ones know this of me, and it doesn't REALLY matter in the grand scheme of things if some people DO think of me in that way. But there you go, I had to admit it! I revolt against everything that puts me in the position of truly being either a blind follower or insensitive judge.

Back to the topic at hand.

I had an experience when I was about 13-14, when a Sunday School teacher of mine was sharing his views on abortion. He basically said he used to be pro-choice, he's a man and would let it be every woman's decision for herself, until he saw videos of legal abortion methods. He then proceeded to describe these methods in graphic detail, including how each fetus would squirm and try to keep away from the tools of abortion, and how evident his/her/its distress was. He continued, describing how you could watch and SEE life leaving each of those little not-quite-bodies. For that man, it was a testimony that unborn children are not just biological outgrowths...they're real, living things. People, in their smallest, most vulnerable form. I understand that that is what he was trying to communicate to us, though the message and the context was completely inappropriate and far outside the reach of his right and stewardship as a Sunday School Teacher.

But...I can't even begin to explain how upsetting his "tangent" was (and still is) to me. I'm a sensitive person by nature, ESPECIALLY where a subject so tender and innocent and precious as babies/children/fetuses and other life-before-birth is involved. I have to cry, sharing it all in writing now.

Even without these vivid, personal mental images I have that influenced my viewpoint, I would be pro-life, so to speak. I stand by my church:

"In today's society, abortion has become a common practice, defended by deceptive arguments. Latter-day prophets have denounced abortion, referring to the Lord's declaration, “Thou shalt not . . . kill, nor do anything like unto it” (D&C 59:6). Their counsel on the matter is clear: Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints must not submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for an abortion. Church members who encourage an abortion in any way may be subject to Church discipline.

Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer.

When a child is conceived out of wedlock, the best option is for the mother and father of the child to marry and work toward establishing an eternal family relationship. If a successful marriage is unlikely, they should place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS Family Services (see “Adoption”).

—See True to the Faith (2004), 4-5"

While I don't understand from experience what it's like to be pregnant or face the decisions that come with it, I do empathize with girls and women in that situation. I believe that, whatever choice the mother makes, God loves her. I believe that, legal or illegal, people (on both sides of the fence) will not only use abortion for the very specific circumstances in which it may be appropriate, but will also abuse it for personal gain and appearance where it is not necessary for any reason but to avoid the natural consequences of a sexually active lifestyle (within or without the bonds of marriage). When I am able to compartmentalize, to separate the word "abortion" from what it is and think of it only as an differing viewpoint, I can even understand and venture to feel okay about it. But so long as I'm properly associating the word "abortion" with all that it actually IS and means...outside of the situations the church described above, I can't. I can't. There's no way to convey...I can't.