My Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit of a rough night for me. =( It started in the evening with building restlessness and hyper-active-ness during the mid-week mingle, institute and choir - which is not to say that every time I'm over-energetic I'm having issues, of course! But I can feel a difference. In normal situations I'm having fun, mostly, just being silly. And then last night (and the other times I've had stuff like this happen) it was like I couldn't control myself, like the regulatory part of my brain is sitting in the back of my head going "whoa, whoa, slow down!" but can't do anything about it. In hindsight I call this "phase 1." I think I even mentioned that I couldn't breathe right, but then dismissed it as normal and unimportant. But I guess it was related!

So, not long after that, toward the end of choir, I became tired, tearful and overwhelmed. (Phase 2.) After the closing prayer I ran off to try to calm myself down. Then began "phase 3," where I'm dizzy, light-headed, fatigued, and can't move or talk normally. It's like I've just "checked out" or something, you know? Trying to walk was slow and halted. My words only came out after a delay, slow and stuttered. I just couldn't make myself respond to anything in normal time.

Thankfully, my friend Jaimie and Institute/choir director Bro Ritchie were there to help. :) it was very comforting to have a friend nearby, and to hear encouraging words from Bro Ritchie, telling me how much I've improved in the last year and a half and how I was doing a good job trying to talk through it instead of withdrawing to silence. It's easy to feel like having "an episode" at all is a massive failure on my part, but it's really all part of the healing process, isn't it? And though I could feel the potential for it, I didn't go beyond into "phase 4"! (for those of you have seen it, 4 is when it looks like I'm having a seizure or something, but I'm not really, it's just the worst part of the "attack.")

Jaimie drove me home and called Jay from church to give me a priesthood blessing, cause she didn't want to leave me alone in my funky state. My roommate Kim arrived home as well, and gradually I started feeling better, especially at about 5 min after the blessing. Then, time for a good night's sleep, at a decent hour! But not before Kim gave me the BEST advice EVER: spray myself with perfume EVERY DAY so I feel good ;) It's true, the little things count!

So, I always have this internal debate with myself, whether or not to share when things like this happen, with whom and how in-depth. Generally, I share with at least a few people, sometimes many more than I feel strictly "comfortable" exposing my inner life to. But I always feel like it's right. These are the small reasons:
   - Having the people around me understand helps me freak out less the next time something might happen.
   - A part of me does find it therapeutic to share instead of isolate.
   - In this case specifically, writing it out is a comfort.

But this is the big reason: whether to this extent, or less, or MORE, other people have these feelings and go through something like this. It may not go through the same phases I did last night, and you may not necessarily end up in that weird funky state, but the common thread, I find, is a desperate feeling of isolation, of being overwhelmed and inadequate. It doesn't have to get to a point of diagnosed anxiety to hurt and hinder you. The BIG reason I share my story as often as appropriately possible because I want you to know. <i>You are not alone.</i> And it gets better. Your Father in Heaven is always there, full of love and understanding and aid.

That's all :) I plan to have a lovely day today; I hope you do as well!

Lauren

I Wanna Talk Something Serious.

So, I'm going to talk about abortion. Well, more than that - I'm going to talk about how people talk about abortion, THEN I'm going to talk about abortion. You can stop now if you so choose.

My friend posted this on facebook: ("anti-choice" is used to mean "pro-life") http://mypage.direct.ca/w/writer/anti-tales.html

I have no doubt that it's completely true. I think there are many, many people who are doing all they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair, who are mistreated and demonized by people who are also doing what they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair. Yes, they are performing abortions and seeking to defend and/or expand its legality. Yes, their language is used to paint everything they do in a positive light, seeking rights for all, even if you believe that what they're doing is violent and wrong. It's easy for pro-lifers to categorize them as murderers, baby killers, and enemies to the institution of the family, blatantly sacrificing morals for convenience. Whether it's true or not, it's easy to put pro-choice people in that mental "box." But just hold on, and remember they're people.

On the other hand, you get things like this: (may be disturbing to sensitive readers) http://www.familywatchinternational.org/fwi/policy_brief_abortion.pdf

And this: http://www.familywatchinternational.org/fwi/documents/fwipolicybriefMaternal_Mortality_and_Abortion.pdf

Though individual stories aren't related as much in these articles, these also come from real people striving to do what is right, humane and fair, who are mistreated and demonized by people who are also doing what they can to strive for what is right, humane and fair. Yes, they picket outside abortion clinics and do all they can to annoy and frustrate, and are trying to interfere with a woman's individual choice. Yes, their language is overbearing, even rude, sensational and angry. It's easy for pro-choicers to characterize them as a herd of sheep blindly following their leader, aka their religion and/or ideology, ignoring evidence to the contrary. It's easy to perceive them as cruel to anyone who operates outside their belief system. Whether it's true or not, it's easy to see only the stereotype. But hold on for a second, and remember they're people, too.

Hopefully I haven't alienated the lot of you! I INTEND for these descriptions to have a controlled measure of harshness, because whether personally about individuals or in theory about groups, we think of each other in these ways, no matter which side of the fence we sit on. For the moment, I'm keeping my own opinion to myself because I'd like to emphasize the separation of people and ideas.

If an idea is WRONG, it does not make the believers of that idea BAD. If an idea is RIGHT, it does not make the believers of that idea GOOD.

I think all of us, somewhere inside, believe that the side that is right will be supported by the will of God or the creator or the universe, and that the side that is wrong will be lured into false thinking and negative behavior. This, I believe to be true. But it's not a solid division between ideologies. Pro-life supporters, it's entirely possible for you or your fellow pro-life supporters to harass, wrong, and even commit violence against pro-choice supporters. Pro-choice supporters, it's entirely possible for your fellow pro-choice supporters to do the same.

In MOST cases - not all, but MOST - whether or not an idea is actually right, the people acting on it believe it is right.

Now, that fact doesn't change what IS right and what IS true...which is why I firmly believe in speaking your mind in appropriate situations, doing all you can to support what's right and good in this world. But pretending that everyone on "the other side" is deluded or evil isn't a good argument against their ideology. Pick a topic, any hot topic, and see people debate about it, and dollars-to-donuts it will turn into heated characterizations of each other instead of discussion of the issue. Not always, of course, especially among you - I have amazing friends. :)But while disparaging the originator of an idea may hold emotional bearing on the validity of their claims, it has no actual bearing.

That being said. I don't think any of you would be surprised to know that I am against abortion. I'll admit that I have a vain motivation mixed in with whatever pure ones I have in writing this entry - I cannot STAND the thought of people I know and love believing me to be "deluded," "blindly following my religion/ideology despite all evidence to the contrary," or "cruel/unfeeling to anyone who operates outside my belief system." I work HARD to understand evidence and viewpoints that contradict my default beliefs, to not be a blind follower or an insensitive judge. I know I'm not entitled to special treatment or consideration more than anyone else is, we're all judged every day, etc etc. So it's really not that important. Anyway, I believe my loved ones know this of me, and it doesn't REALLY matter in the grand scheme of things if some people DO think of me in that way. But there you go, I had to admit it! I revolt against everything that puts me in the position of truly being either a blind follower or insensitive judge.

Back to the topic at hand.

I had an experience when I was about 13-14, when a Sunday School teacher of mine was sharing his views on abortion. He basically said he used to be pro-choice, he's a man and would let it be every woman's decision for herself, until he saw videos of legal abortion methods. He then proceeded to describe these methods in graphic detail, including how each fetus would squirm and try to keep away from the tools of abortion, and how evident his/her/its distress was. He continued, describing how you could watch and SEE life leaving each of those little not-quite-bodies. For that man, it was a testimony that unborn children are not just biological outgrowths...they're real, living things. People, in their smallest, most vulnerable form. I understand that that is what he was trying to communicate to us, though the message and the context was completely inappropriate and far outside the reach of his right and stewardship as a Sunday School Teacher.

But...I can't even begin to explain how upsetting his "tangent" was (and still is) to me. I'm a sensitive person by nature, ESPECIALLY where a subject so tender and innocent and precious as babies/children/fetuses and other life-before-birth is involved. I have to cry, sharing it all in writing now.

Even without these vivid, personal mental images I have that influenced my viewpoint, I would be pro-life, so to speak. I stand by my church:

"In today's society, abortion has become a common practice, defended by deceptive arguments. Latter-day prophets have denounced abortion, referring to the Lord's declaration, “Thou shalt not . . . kill, nor do anything like unto it” (D&C 59:6). Their counsel on the matter is clear: Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints must not submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for an abortion. Church members who encourage an abortion in any way may be subject to Church discipline.

Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after consulting with their local Church leaders and receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer.

When a child is conceived out of wedlock, the best option is for the mother and father of the child to marry and work toward establishing an eternal family relationship. If a successful marriage is unlikely, they should place the child for adoption, preferably through LDS Family Services (see “Adoption”).

—See True to the Faith (2004), 4-5"

While I don't understand from experience what it's like to be pregnant or face the decisions that come with it, I do empathize with girls and women in that situation. I believe that, whatever choice the mother makes, God loves her. I believe that, legal or illegal, people (on both sides of the fence) will not only use abortion for the very specific circumstances in which it may be appropriate, but will also abuse it for personal gain and appearance where it is not necessary for any reason but to avoid the natural consequences of a sexually active lifestyle (within or without the bonds of marriage). When I am able to compartmentalize, to separate the word "abortion" from what it is and think of it only as an differing viewpoint, I can even understand and venture to feel okay about it. But so long as I'm properly associating the word "abortion" with all that it actually IS and means...outside of the situations the church described above, I can't. I can't. There's no way to convey...I can't.

A String of (Very) Loosely Interrelated Thoughts

So, this post was originally titled "HEAT WAVE - AWESOME DANCE!" and began as follows:

"That's right - the dance this past Friday was AWESOME!

(TANGENT: I kept thinking of calling it 'best dance ever,' but I so commonly abuse superlatives that I'm starting to feel a tad bothered when I get into exaggeration mode. Which is, to be fair, the mode I most often operate in in casual circumstances, but I really think I get so much more satisfaction out of using greater precision of language in my compliments and self-expression. For one, I love the nuances of meaning in language. For two, exact compliments from me are always more sincere. Especially if they sound odd and include random adjectives that may apply more intuitively than by literal definition. In this case, 'awesome dance' wasn't very exact...but when I want to be particularly precise I tend NOT to be concise, and titles demand brevity.)

TANGENT OVER."

Then I realized that the tangent was NOT over - or if it was, a new one had to follow, cuz rereading the last one reminded me of this mini-goal of mine. I'm trying to stop "dumbing down" mah language in casual conversation. I've mentioned this to some of y'all – a lot of us do this. Trying to avoid "smart-sounding" language in order to avoid seeming like a show-off. Doing the "you know...(trail off)" when you probably actually COULD finish the sentence effectively. Also searching for simpler words instead of the more correct one you have in mind. Some of my favorite people EVER are the ones who just use beautifully intelligent language naturally - and they never sound like show-offs, either! In that first tangent I had a great deal of fun using whatever words I WANTED to describe my train of thought. Note: blogs are public but the audience is undefined so the posts are more self-addressed, which provides an ideal environment for practicing this kind of "freedom of speech"...interesting.

But anyway, after all that, I'm going to continue to use only the word "AWESOME" to describe the dance. There was such good energy! So much fun interaction! I felt less inhibited than usual. Then again, when I'm dancing (without fear) is one of the times I feel the most free. The other times I feel the most free and the most truly myself are those rare occasions I can get up to a comfortable lope on a horse, outside somewhere, with sky and nature...and when I'm at the temple, deep in my scripture-ponder-pray cycle...when I'm singing and/or otherwise performing uplifting music and reach a moment of joy that extends beyond the song...and when I get the chance to sit and write outdoors. Especially somewhere with a body of water and trees. Beach w/ palm trees, park by a lake, forest near a stream, whatever.

Interestingly, each of these five things, done properly, require a certain willingness to "lose myself" a bit, or let go of control and take a leap into something difficult (re: impossible?) to define. Maybe that's another possible meaning of "he who loseth his life shall find it." I'd like to seek more of those moments in my life. Having just verbalized (is it verbal if it's written...? Kay, articulated) those five things and the feeling that connects them, I think I can endeavor to DO them more. Get more out of life than I do sitting on a computer! Which, while fun and occasionally useful, is getting to me, and I must be off.

Somehow, this post went all over the place. Hopefully it didn’t make you dizzy! This is what an average minute in my mind is like.

Luvs to all!
Lauren

P.S. Today is Day 1 of read the Book of Mormon through before the new year! 4 pages a day should do it. Let me know if you're following along! Maybe I'll make some kind of graph to chart my progress...