My Wednesday Night

Last night was a bit of a rough night for me. =( It started in the evening with building restlessness and hyper-active-ness during the mid-week mingle, institute and choir - which is not to say that every time I'm over-energetic I'm having issues, of course! But I can feel a difference. In normal situations I'm having fun, mostly, just being silly. And then last night (and the other times I've had stuff like this happen) it was like I couldn't control myself, like the regulatory part of my brain is sitting in the back of my head going "whoa, whoa, slow down!" but can't do anything about it. In hindsight I call this "phase 1." I think I even mentioned that I couldn't breathe right, but then dismissed it as normal and unimportant. But I guess it was related!

So, not long after that, toward the end of choir, I became tired, tearful and overwhelmed. (Phase 2.) After the closing prayer I ran off to try to calm myself down. Then began "phase 3," where I'm dizzy, light-headed, fatigued, and can't move or talk normally. It's like I've just "checked out" or something, you know? Trying to walk was slow and halted. My words only came out after a delay, slow and stuttered. I just couldn't make myself respond to anything in normal time.

Thankfully, my friend Jaimie and Institute/choir director Bro Ritchie were there to help. :) it was very comforting to have a friend nearby, and to hear encouraging words from Bro Ritchie, telling me how much I've improved in the last year and a half and how I was doing a good job trying to talk through it instead of withdrawing to silence. It's easy to feel like having "an episode" at all is a massive failure on my part, but it's really all part of the healing process, isn't it? And though I could feel the potential for it, I didn't go beyond into "phase 4"! (for those of you have seen it, 4 is when it looks like I'm having a seizure or something, but I'm not really, it's just the worst part of the "attack.")

Jaimie drove me home and called Jay from church to give me a priesthood blessing, cause she didn't want to leave me alone in my funky state. My roommate Kim arrived home as well, and gradually I started feeling better, especially at about 5 min after the blessing. Then, time for a good night's sleep, at a decent hour! But not before Kim gave me the BEST advice EVER: spray myself with perfume EVERY DAY so I feel good ;) It's true, the little things count!

So, I always have this internal debate with myself, whether or not to share when things like this happen, with whom and how in-depth. Generally, I share with at least a few people, sometimes many more than I feel strictly "comfortable" exposing my inner life to. But I always feel like it's right. These are the small reasons:
   - Having the people around me understand helps me freak out less the next time something might happen.
   - A part of me does find it therapeutic to share instead of isolate.
   - In this case specifically, writing it out is a comfort.

But this is the big reason: whether to this extent, or less, or MORE, other people have these feelings and go through something like this. It may not go through the same phases I did last night, and you may not necessarily end up in that weird funky state, but the common thread, I find, is a desperate feeling of isolation, of being overwhelmed and inadequate. It doesn't have to get to a point of diagnosed anxiety to hurt and hinder you. The BIG reason I share my story as often as appropriately possible because I want you to know. <i>You are not alone.</i> And it gets better. Your Father in Heaven is always there, full of love and understanding and aid.

That's all :) I plan to have a lovely day today; I hope you do as well!

Lauren