I have nothing original to say here, but I'm tired. I'm tired of being single and tired of being tired and tired of having defined my life by trying SO HARD and tired of not having the energy to live up to that any longer. I'm tired of being so cheerful about knowing my time will come, I'm tired of knowing that picking myself apart to see "what's wrong" doesn't do anything positive, I'm tired of being too emotionally mature/responsible/whatever to Allow myself to be "hopeless."
I'm sad and disappointed that despite everything, bitterness is finally getting to me. I'm suspicious and detached and I don't like those things. I don't trust most (single) men. These things are ultimately against my world view and personal inclinations but I guess it's all finally getting to me.
I've never worried about "eventually" and I still don't. I know my "eventually" is going to be with someone. I have faith in God and in men in general (?), but I. Am. Tired.
The worst part is, it's like being a girl on your period. All the other girls deal with it too, so there's generalized sympathy, but also generalized "we all have this. So don't sink too far into your pity party. We won't want to attend." Lots of people are single and want/deserve not to be.
I'm also just...hurt by the lack of space there is for me at church right now. I need to do my own thing and make my own space but I'm just. Tired. Last time I went I had to go outside to breathe because I just. Can't.
I'm tired of a building full of friendly faces that are also mocking. But not mean-spirited mocking? Just, friendly mocking that happens to cut me deep? I'm tired of not having the kind of control over my mannerisms and comments that I used to. I'm tired of neurological issues.
I'm tired of guys that either see past me or prey on me or think I'm just too (insert distancing adjective like "weird" or "quirky" or "intellectual" or "hyper" or "feminist" or "nerdy" or "awkward" or WHATEVER). I'm tired of being fun enough to laugh with until my mouth runs off with an awkward comment and then it's a light-hearted mocking comment and slick exit.
Like, do you not know that I know this isn't how I want to be? Do you not know that when I'm not nervous, I'm hilarious and sophisticated and down-to-earth and kind?
You guys, I'm so kind. No GUY cares about this and yet it will be such a blessing to whomever I marry.
I struggle with depression. I'm at a higher weight and in a less physically active lifestyle than I want. I don't spend money on eyelash extensions and I often am too tired or depressed to get up and do my own makeup in time. But I don't look at these things as permanent.
My kindness and empathy has always and will always be a core part of who I am. I can't wait to share it with someone. I can't wait to do little surprises that will light up their day. I get a literal thrill from doing special things for people I love and I just. Want. One. To be my home base guy. That I can come home and whine and complain to about the little things but more than that, find the things that make HIM happy and make each day a delight in a new way.
I'm good at that. I'm SO good at that. I'm NOT good at navigating single's wards anymore.
I don't want to have a guy be the "solution" to any of my problems but I don't think I should have to be perfect before a guy sees something in me. And by guy I mean man, not creeper, not codependent.
And it's always the same conflicting advice. Put yourself out there, look nice, feel good about yourself first. Don't feel like you have to do anything different, just keep being you, it'll come.
I don't think of myself as broken most of the time, and I'm not a naturally negative person. I'm just. Tired. I want to be held. I don't think that SHOULD be a shameful thing to admit. Yet here we are.
