In Defense of Dating.

I must now expound on my theory about dates, as briefly stated on facebook!

It is true, I do indeed believe that the best way to get over a ridiculous crush is to go on a date with that person. Nothing's better at shattering romantic illusions about a person than being confronted with the reality of spending time with that person in an extended, one-on-one situation. Not meant to be mean, just true!

So often in my experience, I've observed the surface qualities of a person and melded them with my mental image of what I'm looking for, and then pined over the guy (let's call him Guy A) for weeks or months. Rather depressing, doesn't uplift or enrich my life at all, and (least important facet of all) I'm sure the pining, desperate look isn't all that attractive. ;)

At some point I figured, well dennit, rather than having a long drawn out, self-destructive cycle, why don't I just ask Guy A on a date or ask him to take me on a date? (Gentlemen, you may replace "Guy A" with "Girl A.") Three crushes in a row, I went through the pine-pine-pine cycle, and all it took was the one date to cure my ailment.

This is NOT because I then developed negative feelings about Guy A. In fact, my respect and liking for each one of them increased post-date. But man, going on a date and thus being paired off for a short-term "mock" partnership is an ENTIRELY different experience from doing group things together and somewhat touching on what it's like to really spend time with a person. Most direct and easy way to find out, "oh, we don't really gel like I thought we might" or "wow, our interests are more different than I thought."

On the OTHER hand, there's nothing that can match the power of a one-on-one date to develop a strong platonic friendship between a guy and a girl, even if there's no romantic connection. I've seen girl friends of mine get asked on a date, then worry about "not wanting to encourage" a guy they didn't feel interested in - and come away having had a blast and gotten a good, loyal, close guy friend in the process. I'm sure the same is true on the flip side, with guys coming away with strong non-romantic friendships with girls after going on a date.

Furthermore, I have found that a date is not only a good way to discover you're not actually interested in someone you thought you were - or making better friends with someone you knew in a group-setting before - but going on a date can also serve to confirm by experience, rather than conjecture, that you're not interested in a guy.

Let's say you, as an unattached fe/male, suspect or find out "Guy (Girl) B," whom you're not interested in, is interested you. Guy (Girl) B then asks you on a date. So you go on the date, and the experience itself serves as confirmation of what you guessed before - you're not interested, you don't connect well. But now you know for sure and you've given Guy (Girl) B a fair chance. If they ask a second time, it's always okay to say no!

I repeat: if they retain interest, you can always say no to the second date. I know life's all more complicated than that etc, etc, but still, it breaks my heart to see awesome young men turned down without even getting a chance, not to mention awesome young women dismissed from the "realm of interest" and never ever getting asked on dates. Thar be many unsuspected "diamonds in the rough" in the dating world, and it's sad when even those diamonds lose sight of the fact that they have something precious to offer. :(

Of course, there's also the chance that going on a date with Guy (Girl) B ends up surprising you with a good time, connection, shared interest, etc that you had formerly ruled out as possible. In which case, hey look, the diamond in the rough ain't so rough anymore! :D

And all of this gives far more room for Guy (Girl) C to get their chance. Guy (Girl) C is the one that, in groups and from a distance you are interested in and really enjoy. Known or unbeknownst to you, Guy (Girl) C might have an interest or inclination toward you as well. I have a theory that if more Guy/Girl As and Bs are given their chance, more Guy/Girl Cs will take the chance as well. :)

Overall, though, my biggest wish is that young ladies wouldn't feel so pressured when asked on a date, worrying about "giving the wrong impression." Saying "yes" doesn't HAVE to mean "I am consciously interested in dating you." And if that is what it means, so much the better! :)

I tend to imagine that, if young ladies more often reserved their "no"s for more substantial reasons than vague disinclination, perhaps young men wouldn't be sticking their necks out QUITE so badly when they ask. And vice versa.

And please, I am not saying that a girl who has a "gut feeling" they shouldn't go on a date should ignore that feeling! Above all else, trust the spirit, of course. But though there are myriad valid reasons a girl (or guy) might want to say no to being asked on a date by a certain person or even going on dates at all, it is my conjecture that if we all stopped trying to balance the huge weight of FEAR OF FALSE IMPRESSIONS on the tops of our heads and just said yes, we'd get all sorts of positive experiences in return. Including, but not limited to, a potential romantic relationship. ^^

If anyone reading this comes away with the conclusion that what I'm really getting at is that I'd just like to be asked out, I dare say they've entirely missed the point.

Lauren