I have nothing original to say here, but I'm tired. I'm tired of being single and tired of being tired and tired of having defined my life by trying SO HARD and tired of not having the energy to live up to that any longer. I'm tired of being so cheerful about knowing my time will come, I'm tired of knowing that picking myself apart to see "what's wrong" doesn't do anything positive, I'm tired of being too emotionally mature/responsible/whatever to Allow myself to be "hopeless."

I'm sad and disappointed that despite everything, bitterness is finally getting to me. I'm suspicious and detached and I don't like those things. I don't trust most (single) men. These things are ultimately against my world view and personal inclinations but I guess it's all finally getting to me.

I've never worried about "eventually" and I still don't. I know my "eventually" is going to be with someone. I have faith in God and in men in general (?), but I. Am. Tired.

The worst part is, it's like being a girl on your period. All the other girls deal with it too, so there's generalized sympathy, but also generalized "we all have this. So don't sink too far into your pity party. We won't want to attend." Lots of people are single and want/deserve not to be.

I'm also just...hurt by the lack of space there is for me at church right now. I need to do my own thing and make my own space but I'm just. Tired. Last time I went I had to go outside to breathe because I just. Can't.

I'm tired of a building full of friendly faces that are also mocking. But not mean-spirited mocking? Just, friendly mocking that happens to cut me deep? I'm tired of not having the kind of control over my mannerisms and comments that I used to. I'm tired of neurological issues.

I'm tired of guys that either see past me or prey on me or think I'm just too (insert distancing adjective like "weird" or "quirky" or "intellectual" or "hyper" or "feminist" or "nerdy" or "awkward" or WHATEVER). I'm tired of being fun enough to laugh with until my mouth runs off with an awkward comment and then it's a light-hearted mocking comment and slick exit.

Like, do you not know that I know this isn't how I want to be? Do you not know that when I'm not nervous, I'm hilarious and sophisticated and down-to-earth and kind?

You guys, I'm so kind. No GUY cares about this and yet it will be such a blessing to whomever I marry.

I struggle with depression. I'm at a higher weight and in a less physically active lifestyle than I want. I don't spend money on eyelash extensions and I often am too tired or depressed to get up and do my own makeup in time. But I don't look at these things as permanent.

My kindness and empathy has always and will always be a core part of who I am. I can't wait to share it with someone. I can't wait to do little surprises that will light up their day. I get a literal thrill from doing special things for people I love and I just. Want. One. To be my home base guy. That I can come home and whine and complain to about the little things but more than that, find the things that make HIM happy and make each day a delight in a new way.

I'm good at that. I'm SO good at that. I'm NOT good at navigating single's wards anymore.

I don't want to have a guy be the "solution" to any of my problems but I don't think I should have to be perfect before a guy sees something in me. And by guy I mean man, not creeper, not codependent.

And it's always the same conflicting advice. Put yourself out there, look nice, feel good about yourself first. Don't feel like you have to do anything different, just keep being you, it'll come.

I don't think of myself as broken most of the time, and I'm not a naturally negative person. I'm just. Tired. I want to be held. I don't think that SHOULD be a shameful thing to admit. Yet here we are.

A SCIENCE Experiment

See here:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4skIeaShLZkcERlTXQ3SnJhZjA

Soaking a book underwater! After leaving it in there a day or two we'll update you with further results. :)

Little Mermaid inspired scene

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo this just came into my brain last night and I had to write it up! Unlike the Disney version I imagine it’d take place around Jamaica-ish (or a fantasy equivalent). I’d definitely have to do WAY more research about the area and culture and imagine how I’d think that would influence the underwater culture, but hey! It’s a thought!

This is just a scene without a whole story to accompany it, but if you know the little mermaid it's implied! The Andersen version is about her wanting BOTH to marry the prince AND to have an immortal soul; the Disney version is JUST about wanting to marry the prince, so this one will be JUST about wanting an immortal soul. I’ll see if a romance crops up in my brain or not, but for now this is it as far as writing goes cause it’s definitely not on my list of writing priorities.

True story: my sister and I literally took a book I disliked and put it underwater so I could see how it would behave. I’ll link the video as soon as I put it up!  
*

“Do you even know what ‘witch’ means?” the sea witch asked me. She traced a shell-like fingernail across the spine of one of her bound collections, mouthing the foreign title’s pronunciation.

A tremor wriggled its way through my body, making the webbing between my fingers flutter in the current. “It means…a woman who does magic,” I said, my gills contracting unevenly. I folded my arms tightly around my dark brown, scaled torso and flushed my fins forward so I could back away – subtly, or so I thought. “Evil magic,” I added in a mutter, avoiding her eyes.

The sea witch turned away from her shelves of accumulated records and gave me a long, unimpressed stare. Then she turned back to her books. “No.”

I waited silently, aware that I was very vulnerable, alone in her territory, asking for her help. I shook my head quickly making my clouds of floating, tightly curled, seaweed-textured hair billow around me. “What does it mean?”

“Well, scholars can never agree. People don’t keep track of their words, you see.” She pulled out several of those bound collections I recognized to be human books, handling them with a delicate touch. “A human once theorized it came from the Old English word wita, ” she explained, pointing to a certain page and then reading from it. “Which means… ‘to know.’ I personally liked that, but…” 

The sea witch lifted another book, letting it drift in front of her. The shifting patterns of light drifting through from the surface played across the swishing page ends. “More likely, according to another humanic record, Deutsches Wörterbuch, it’s derived from the Proto-Indo-European root ‘weik-,’ meaning ‘to separate,’ or perhaps, as they say here – ”  She delicately thumbed through another book, careful not to further rip its fragile pages. “ – ‘weg-,’ which means ‘to rouse’ or ‘wake.’ Or in other words,” she finished, squeezing the pages slowly closed and back into their unnaturally flat, compressed shapes, “everything we do, everything we are, is about knowledge.”

“Knowledge,” I repeated blankly, my gills pulling oxygen from the water flow around me more consistently now that my heart beat had slowed.

“Yes,” the witch answered firmly. She spun slowly through the water toward me, keeping her eyes locked on mine even while she turned. “Simply put, we teach. You think you came to me because you want magic. But really, you want to be awakened. You want me to separate the truth from lies. You know that I have studied humans in the past, and have heard of these ‘immortal souls’ your grandmother spoke of.”

My throat felt oddly full. Grandmer had told me how humans cried, but we could not, and so we suffered more. I had been confused, but I wondered if this feeling was that…the desire to cry.

I pursed my lips. “Yes.”

Her eyes scanned me up and down, evaluating, searching for I don’ know what.

“Come,” she said finally. Her fins powered her upward. “I will teach you.”

Language as a Gatekeeper

Okay, so you know me. I am a LOVER of vocabulary. I love how the use of extensive vocabulary can be not only beautiful but full of specific meaning that simpler words can't quite capture.

But MAN! Sometimes, people get all into themselves over a discussion and start using highly specialized jargon and extremely elitist language and I all I can think is, "You know what? You're not actually contributing to your meaning or this discussion with this language. All you're doing is cutting out the people who don't understand those words, and 'proving' how superior you are."

I think that is total crap.

I had entered into an awesome and friendly discussion on a friend's FB page about evolution vs creation and if they were contradictory. It was really cool to see a FRIENDLY, open discussion on that subject, which can get really sticky! But ultimately, two guys ended up commandeering the whole discussion with their stilted language and oily attitudes and debates and definition arguments.

I bowed out. Because I don't think that helps anyone. By the time you've reached that point, you are limiting the conversation to two people who already are firmly entrenched in their opinions, and no one else reading is going to learn anything from it because they're using their language as a gatekeeper to filter out anyone not "qualified" to understand.

Well, here's what I think: use specialized language when it best serves your meaning, but in a situation like that? Explain for those who don't get it, if you've got to use those words! Right now is an exciting time where people who failed out of high school can get the equivalent of a college education online for free if they're disciplined enough, because the gatekeeping barriers of knowledge have been breaking down. The internet and social media have their down sides, but ultimately they've become the modern parallel to translating the Bible from Latin to English (William Tyndale is my hero <3) -  people can check it out for themselves instead of relying on the words of those from the ivory towers.

Well-educated people are sharing what they know casually and kindly. Previously uneducated people are learning quickly and providing incredible insight. Teenage girls, plural, are coming out with incredible inventions and discoveries, like (for example) a water wheel that also powers an mp3 player so women who used to have to walk for miles with a pot of water for their home can now carry gallons more AND learn as they go! People are inventing cheap microscopes literally made of paper so doctor's offices in poverty-stricken countries and areas can properly diagnose and treat their patients.

Some people feel threatened by the slew of free-flowing information, as if it somehow might invalidate their very expensive degree-obtained knowledge. I don't think it does. Some things you can only learn and understand by devoting so much time (and money!!!) to learning. But just because you did that doesn't mean you should use the way you speak to everyone else as a way to keep them out of the knowledge you gained. There doesn't need to be a division between the "wonderers" and the "instructors." We're all both.

Getting into an excited conversation with someone else who shares your specialized knowledge and feeling free to communicate with them is one thing. I do that all the time. Since finishing massage school I've been constantly using anatomy terms because they've become second nature to me.

But it is my hope that I will never, EVER, use those terms - that language - to purposely shut out people who haven't learned it. Or to make it seem like I'm somehow better than them. That's bull. I just happened to make a choice that brought me into a situation where I learned all of those things. And I'm happy to explain and share in layman's terms for anyone who cares to hear.

This has been an opinion.

Lauren out.

Pre-Nano!

NaNoWriMo approaches! This is the year, I'm going to DO it! Here's a pre-nano challenge from tumblr user CassJayTuck:
"PRE-NANO CELEBRATION WEEK STARTS TODAY!

What is pre-nano you ask?

It’s this fun little day-by-day ditty we’re gonna do together to get us pumped for the big Nov 1st, when NaNoWriMo officially begins! The point of these particular tasks are to get you pumped for your project. Nothing technical, like outlining, just fun things that will inspire you and excite you for NaNo!

It’ll start tomorrow, at whatever time you please, and here are your instructions for each day:
Friday- What would the back of your book say if it were published? This can be anything. A synopsis, a “excerpt” you think might be in there, quotes from authors who loved your fantastic little book, etc.

Saturday- Create a playlist. Share a playlist of songs that inspire your story, or that your story inspires. Showcase one of the songs; the one that describes your story best.

Sunday- Make a book cover! Create a book cover for your story, just for the heck of it. Share it with us!
Monday- interview your main character. Choose 5-10 questions and answer them as the character!

Tuesday- A book is a movie in your mind, right? So show us the actors. Show us the actors who look most like your main characters! If you based them off of family, friends, or anyone else, you’re free to showcase them, too.

Wednesday- Interview your antagonist. 5-10 questions, just like before. If your main character IS your antagonist—yes, that’s a thing—then just pick another character.

Thursday- I kid you not, make a collage. Pictures, colors, the actors you chose earlier, song lyrics…do it. "

Friday: "Jaff begins the son of a General and cousin to his worst bully, the Crown Prince. As warfare and exile force him into the kind of confrontations he dreads, Jaff must discover and fulfill his purpose amidst his changing roles as slave in a foreign country, runaway and rebel leader, Seer to an unbelieving people, and key to an ancient prophecy he doesn’t understand."

How to Make Going to Church Awesome When You're Awkward/Shy/New/Have A Hard Time Feeling Comfortable

If you're me, all of these are guaranteed to help. If you're you, pick and choose what helps the most!

1.) Be on time.

Being late increases my feelings of awkwardness and makes it more likely I'll miss the Sacrament! It's true there's the issue of where to sit, but I'll get to that. Besides, when I'm on time I get to...

2.) Sing ALL the songs!

Which is possibly one of my favorite parts of worship services in general. I'm always sad if Sunday School or even FHE skip out on singing hymns. I particularly love singing the different parts (bringing the bass line an octave up, of course). Singing hymns automatically brings me into the moment, makes me feel engaged in the experience and a part of the ward.

3.) Share my thoughts.

Not a problem for me because, though I'm shy, I'm also expressive and can't help sharing even when I feel like a total loser on the inside. The key parts for me to remember are:
  
3a.) Don't be hyperaware of what impression I might make.

It's not about sounding smart, spiritual, in control or put-together. It's about how I might build up my own or others' testimonies by asking a question, or sharing a story/thought process.

3b.) Remember that I don't need to give disclaimers as a preface and/or excuse to what I'm saying.

3c.) I gain more when I'm willing to ask questions I don't know the answer to, and when I apply things to ME instead of "exhorting" others to feel or act a certain way.

4.) Unless it's one of those times when I need a little space, don't sit alone.

I have tendencies. I want to sit by and talk to certain people, but I'm too embarrassed to initiate said sitting/talking, so I'll sit alone. I have literally even been talking before class to people I desperately want to sit with, then hovered behind them when we file into class and found a place by myself so I'm not "pushing my company" on them by just sitting with them. And/or I go into my little detached La La Land, which is sometimes lovely and wonderful, and other times lonely and cold.

Instead of watching for the people I feel comfortable with and hoping they'll come take care of ME, I have better experiences when I watch for people whom I can serve and talk/sit next to them. :) this includes my visiting teachees, new members, new leaders, visitors, and other loners like me.

Caveat #1: though I'm expressive and loud, Self, remember that I'm an introvert and sometimes just need to not put out that effort. I'm always ok with others sitting by me, but sometimes I need to not push myself to initiate sitting by others.

Caveat#2: it's okay if I can't quite take off my "mask" around everyone. It's not a false version of myself, just a superficial protective layer (like skin) and that is natural and good. I don't need to fight it.

5.) Take notes.

I clearly process things best, receive more revelation, and remember things better when I write! I particularly like "T-charts" with "Principles learned" on one side and "inspiration" on the other. Designating space for inspiration invites it. I also do best with doodles, lists, self-evaluations (why do I...? How can I...this week?) and fear vs faith checks.

What are fear vs. faith checks you ask? Why I'll tell you! I heard that faith is the opposite of fear so I came up with this process. I admit and list my fears, (such as "I fear I'm not worthwhile" or "I fear I can't achieve everything I need to") and answer with a corresponding statement of faith, often accompanied by scripture or a line from my patriarchal blessing (such as "I have faith that the Lord only makes people who are worthwhile and I have a great deal to contribute to the world, 'remember the worth of souls is great,'" and "I have faith that the Lord will help me set priorities and accomplish what I need to, 'I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing he commanded them'").

6.) Come to Church for the Lord!

Often I focus a little too much on why I need Church. I have a much greater experience when I focus on why the Lord needs me and what I can do for Him. When I'm emotionally exhausted, I can come to church for me. But when I have anything available to give, I want to come for the Lord, and gift Him with the focus and worship he deserves. ESPECIALLY by making my worship center around partaking of His Sacrament.

***

And that's how, when I actually listen to my own advice (ha), I make coming to church great even though I'm shy and awkward and think too much. :D

Loves!
Lauren

The Best Medicine!

Besides actual medicine - which I did find - is a fun-filled day of silliness and laughter with Savanna! Seriously, I don't think anyone else could've picked me up out of that low.